Puertorrican Medical Vocabulary

Todos los puertorriqueños sabemos lo difícil que se le hace al americano comprendernos. Somos demasiados complejos para ellos. Con el asunto de la diáspora y los viajes constantes de los boricuas al norte, esto se ha hecho patente principalmente en los tratamientos médicos pues los doctores no saben como diagnosticarnos. Debido a esto el Colegio de Médicos Cirujanos de PR se a visto obligado a redactar un pequeño manual en forma de diccionario de español a ingles con los males que aquejan y son únicos de los puertorriqueños. He aquí una muestra:

Puertorrican Medical Vocabulary:

Moño Parao: Psychological imbalance of short duration that causes strange mood swings, violent irritating behavior as well as general unpleasantness.

Monga: Mysterious body temperature, not high enough to be considered fever, but serious enough to miss school and work. Illness is unknown by the American Medical Association (AMA) and only understood by doctors of Puerto Rican origin.

Patatú: Attack of obscure origin that can strike at any time. Could be serious enough to require hospitalization, yet is undetected by medical technology. Victims tend to be males and females over the age of 50 years.

Tatequieto: Occurs if Patatú is strong enough that requiere a long period hospitalization.

Sereno: Occurs when someone steps outdoors suddenly at night and is sprinkled by a mysterious substance produced by the night air. There are no physical symptoms and it can only be detected by the Puerto Rican elderly. The effect of having this disease is unknown. Children must not be taken out at night without proper headgear or risk of contamination is certain.

Empache: Digestive disorder which occurs after the consumption of a large Puerto Rican meal. The only known cure for this disease is 'una buena criolla' or 'tirarse un buen peo' (Alka-Seltzer is completely ineffective).

Cuerpo Coltao: in other words "estoy funánfulo" Frequent and mild condition of unknown etiology. Symptoms include but are not limited to fatigue, lack of energy and chronic whining.

Cocotazo: Also referred to as the 'Fuácata'. A clenched /closed cripple! Caused by left or right fingers flexed to not quite make a fist with middle finger slightly raised higher than the rest and delivered to a child's head with a quick snap to the wrist (my father's favorite).

Chichón: Elevated cranial protrusion usually caused by the fall after apatatú. This can also be caused by the sudden or unexpected encounter with a cocotazo.

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